emily jones

pen, pencil, colored pencils, silver marker, napkins, tape, acrylic, pastel, wax, cotton swabs, toothbrush bristles, silver tissue paper, doilies…

bad idea bad idea bad idea bad idea bad idea bad idea bad idea bad idea bad idea bad idea bad idea bad idea bad idea bad idea a familiar tactility hanging crooked on my wall touch it & we will fall what is the point of anything at all there is only now & how you know to go & get so you cant regret not taking or faking the kind of living that youre giving because the beginning must be after you start believing that the end is not when it is over.

we were driving somewhere in the mountains & crashed in a gully. he was there with two other guys & telling me, “this is what I get for liking them.” I thought he was going to give me a hug but instead he put his arm around me. I couldnt recognize him because he looked fat or muscular but then when he walked away, I saw him taking off a mask. then we were all in her car & a chunk was missing out of the top. we were seeing crazy animals on the side of the road, like a giant long dog with white hair. we crashed again in a field & I felt myself fly out of the car & flip over. I woke up at a dance bar with lighted floors & I couldnt move my head anymore.

I forgot my dads birthday.

old friends & I were going to go out on the porch to smoke but we went to the mall & there was a step team outside. I wanted to leave but they wanted to be safe inside.

she & I were driving & got pulled over by the police.

I was at my sisters wedding again, except this time it was big instead of small. there were giant spinning pizzas on the wall.

she was teaching me about bread that makes designs.

he & I were getting married & we had half vegan, half his favorite cake. he caught me holding some other guys hand at a beach & I talked to my mom in her bed.

if I stuck my hand in honey, I could make appear whatever fashion item I wanted.

I had to get something removed in surgery & I was terrified & stuck in school.

we were at an airport & we were up so late that I saw my parents outside the window coming to pick me up.

they were riding bikes telling me to hurry up.

I laid in her lap just to make her mad.

I was holding tick beetles & trying to give them to my dad so he could squish them, but he was busy with something else. they started to burrow into my palms, so I had to keep moving them around so they couldnt start digging. he finally took them.

my mom & I were helping them find things in a grocery store. I had to pee & they said they would stay with me while she went to get our car, but instead they took me to the back & were going to do something to me. I ran & got to the front & kicked the door trying to knock it down but instead light came through the glass & made him jump backwards so I did it again & again & again until they were all freaking out & the window broke & I escaped.

I had missed her fashion show that I was supposed to model fruit clothes for & the gallery, so I was going to fail my class.

I was driving around a grocery store with him & her & we were going to nags head. she said, “is there a good italian restaurant around here?” & he said, “oh, yeah. I will take you” & she said, “I love italian chicken.”

“are you in love?”
“I dont know, man…”
“well, when do you think she is the most attractive?”
“I would have to say in the morning when she is just waking after sleeping the entire night in my arms.”
“yeah…love.” 

it is dead. get it through your head.
I am filled. & have been distilled.

& its goes….I got the throw up feeling but the not really throw up feeling because that is when your mouth starts to water..this was more my insides…& I start to think whether or not I will ever come out of this because it hurts too much to even think about let alone try to deal with. so this is how it goes….let me knock your lights out. you win. & its like…im on this ladder, right? ive been climbing for months now & some times I feel like I have gotten so far..but then I lose my footing & im falling again & I catch myself because all I what I else I can do is realize it is not going to get any easier. I am ready for my away.
art is nothing. art is stupid. art is a waste. who are we that we can devote our time creating with what is not ours. nothing can really be owned. there is only possession & usage. also, nothing can really be created or destroyed. everything is made from what already exists. just like you can not make water…only how much there already is in the world. there are so many other people who use their energy & talent in the every day. put yourself in to all that you do & make it your own. its like what you do with the clouds…sometimes I can see it your way but it really is only what you make of it.