emily jones

I just don’t get it. But I guess I don’t have to get it. But I just really don’t get it. I guess this trip did its job. It did make me thankful. Or help me see what I have to be thankful for. That my mother got out of this tiny little hick town when she did. I am happy for my her that she has finally made amends with her parents. At the same time, all the years of distance, when I was oblivious, all the time spent apart makes it all the more painful during our recent visits. Sometimes… well, most of the time I feel like I can’t relate to my own supposed family very much at all. My great grandparents, who are no longer alive, barely even left the country, let alone their house & spent their whole lives in southwest (more south than west) Virginia making biscuits & storing fruit preserves, hiding their money in places all over the house in fear that another Depression would devastate the country. My grandparents have been married more than sixty years. Can I just say wow. They have known each other their whole lives, living down the street from one another. My grandfather can’t hear me but at least he tries, his hearing aid buzzing whenever he chews. He tells stories whenever he gets the chance, which is probably my favorite thing about him. When he was my age during this season, he was docked on a boat in Japan writing letters to my grandmother. She lost her cousin and best friend on her graduation day. People wrecking their trucks & lives, the pies bought not baked, teen pregnancy, the constant gut disclaimer that they do nothing about, the disrespect of race & homosexuality, golf, church. The chit chat… the fucking walls they put up. I can’t stand it. Families are so messed up.  I want it this way. Well I want it this way. Well… about that. What are we going to do? Maybe if you don’t talk all the time you wont say something you wish you didn’t. We take people who we love for granted so much. What is that? Why does she feel like she can talk to him like that? She knows he will never leave her. How could he? After everything that we have been through. What a miniscule hero. Such an overlooked issue that im sure happens to more people than we would believe. There is a lot to be thankful for. There are not a lot of things to be thankful for. Except I am really excited about roller skates I just bought for three dollars. What I would give to be able to spend time with my dad’s side. Go to New Hampshire or New York to visit. Be able to photograph them. Maybe they would understand me. No, I haven’t found hay for my donkey… yet.

dress, address, undress

it was my birthday & I had gotten a scholarship for being content with myself so some girls & I went to the beach in new york city but it was night time.  we saw an airplane that looked like an aircraft carrier fly over us & then two others came & they all blew up a building behind us.  we heard someone announcing over loud speakers that it was 911 II & unsafe so we evacuated with all the other people on the beach.  when I looked back, one of those big, black monoliths, like from 2000: A Space Odyssey, was floating above the ocean except it was pointed at the top & pentagonal at the bottom & had a “M” carved into the front.  then my dad was there to pick us up but we couldnt get to the car because buildings were still collapsing.

we were all having a family dinner after a day at the beach.  while we were waiting for the food to be ready, we played a game pairing up & everyone went around saying their favorite things about love.  then the famous people got there & paw paw disappeared.  maw maw started looked under the table for him & I asked her, “does we shrink down often?”

we were jewish people running away from nazi people & I was hiding in the countryside with my dad & sister.  then we got on a really big sailing ship & went out on the water.  there was a huge blanket that everyone helped lift up & when it caught the air underneath, we floated up into the sky.

he gave me a hug & I grabbed his hips. he had become so skinny that he was almost flat, like a thick book, like he was just withering away.  I got really scared but he refused to go somewhere private to talk about it with me.

I was in someone’s building when we saw an airplane having trouble flying outside the window.  we thought it was going to crash into where we were but it landed right outside.  one of my friends was standing by the window & all of a sudden a polar bear came inside the window & I was thinking “awe” & then it tried to get him & someone yelled for everyone to run.

I had to get vaccinated & while I was waiting a cute asian boy wanted me to go back with him to comfort him but when I did he didnt even talk to me & didnt act scared about it at all so I didnt understand why he wanted me to come with him.

is it someone elses dream? it is a pattern I havent seen? does it matter anyway if I have my own things to say? dont get me wrong. give me right. oh, shes just american. no, its just like that. control might as well not exsist. all you are left with is a frown or a fist.

repeated reluctant reliance replacing reminiscent regarded reverence.
doubled despondent dependance displacing delusional deepened discourse.

today I am in a social experiment.

I am a miniature doll playing on an artifice.

if you set every thing on fire that can ignite then it does not matter. honestly. I want to wake up just to go back to sleep. I need to go to sleep so I can stop thinking too much. for once I am happy that my equation has a mean; that healthy is a synonym of normal.
I would scream when they cut my fingernails & run out of the room when my sister would play operation & count the number of pieces of gum stuck to the bottom of our table in restaurants.